Why we hide from our inner child
There are many reasons why things go wrong in our lives. There are many reasons why problems, conflicts, and issues continue to arise.
But why is it that after so many decades of research and study on human behavior do we continue time and time again to look away at what the real core issue is at hand.
Our inner child.
We didn’t get our needs met. We were left to feel neglected, and alone. We were hurt, and scared. But we love our parents as we grow up. Don’t we? Or are they just the world we know?
I once met a man that claimed he had a good life. Even during his younger years and upbringing he felt that he was…well…lucky. He had it good. His parents were financially in a good position so he was spoiled with things here and there, visited other places on vacations, and lived in a good sound neighborhood. He thought he was full-filled.
But it wasn’t until much later in life that he realized how empty he really was….well…I suppose as we grow older and grow closer to others, our difficulties begin to be noticed.
living a lie.
Sometimes it’s easy to put on a facade. Some times we end up living our entire lives hiding behind one. in fact…most of us do and we don’t even realize it. After all, it takes courage to be the real “us”. That leaves room for nonacceptance, after all.
The man I spoke about earlier, he had deep secrets and inner thoughts that he thought no one else would ever be able to hear. But as time passes your secrets always show to the eyes that are watching.
What I came to find out about this man with the seemingly good upbringing with nothing to complain about, was that he actually grew up in an environment where he was unintentionally neglected. Nor he or anyone else could capture these years of hidden trauma, of lives on the line, and parental depression, anxiety, and stress at the forefront of many traumatic situations.
Webster defines trauma as the following:
“b: a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury
c: an emotional upset
Now I don’t know about you…but I am preeeettttyyyy sure every kid goes through some really prominent feelings of being emotionally upset…outside of the everyday’ “He took my toy!” scenario.
The damage caused by tension allowed this man, as a young boy to figure out how to zone out from this world when things felt too intense to bare. It created a defense mechanism that would serve him at the time….but would grow into various addictions, storytelling, and emotional imbalances in his adulthood. Have you ever met an adult in there 20’s or 30’s that just can’t seem to remember details of things…like a conversation that was had, or what someone was wearing? Chances are they have a frozen flight reaction inside of there mind developed somewhere between the ages of conception to about 7 years old. That program replays for us as we get older and continue to hold our selves in that same chemical state as much as possible….because it’s what we know.
One thing I found for sure is this: When there is trouble a brewing, chances are your inner child is coming out to speak up for the needs that weren’t met when you were 4, and for the fears that escalated inside of you when you were 6, and also for the lack of security and nurturing you received when you were 7.
Once the inner child starts to come out, we feel justified, Eager, in fact. To spill over our damaged baggage onto the floor of those whom love us as if to say, “See, look at me here and now. I am valid. I am of value and you will meet my needs now because this is all your fault.”
Although, in real life with another human being that never really works.
So our adulthood turns into adult shaped temper tantrums and we call it “arguing.”
But is it though?
What I found to be the most alarming and difficult about the inner child is that they grow to be, often times, our biggest inner critic.
Beating ourselves up inside, never really showing ourselves love. And then demanding it from those around us even though we don’t know truly how to offer it to ourselves.
Deep in the mush of the darkness of the soul, that inner child lies waiting to be healed. And until we heal and meet that child’s needs, we will forever be damaged adults walking around blaming others for our problems and creating issues where issues don’t really exist. Poking and prodding our way through life all to give us the same chemical reaction that inner child is on the hunt for….because if it is not healed and it is all it knows then it must be where we should stay.
But we live on…not seeing or feeling things through the eyes of those watching us but instead building blocks that we lay down because we don’t know any better and we do our best.
So I ask you…have you attending to your inner child? What is really needed there? Heal that space and you will heal all. Do for those around you. Do it for yourself. You deserve more and there is a better way to live life….it’s waiting for you.